holiday tips from interdimensional travelers

Tip number 1, do not prepare Gerbils for Thankstaking dinner. They have fallen out of favor due to the amount of diseases carried; gerbils once considered safe to eat are now dedicated to emotional support in hospitals. While disease free gerbils are available these have been declared carcinogenic in the state of Wyoming.

Tip number 2, Ignore all tips numbered 2.

Tip number 3, do not feed your most normal uncle after midnight, after midnight referring to the time between 12:01AM to 12:00 AM. Feeding your uncle during the specified times may result in the following symptoms: [REDACTED FOR STATE SECURITY], [PROPRIETARY INFORMATION], and [PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY]. Obviously these symptoms are horrible and the effects are unpredictable.

Tip number 4, Do help your friends and family out of the hell pit for being on Santa’s naughty list. While ancient customs would have you leave them in the hell pit, customs have changed. The reason why they likely don’t deserve the treatment in the hell pit is due to more and more innocent people being deemed naughty to keep demand for presents low.

Tip number 5 unfortunately could not be delivered due to the unfortunate situation of a fight in a local restaurant. The altercation was because the traveler, when asked if he would like to tip, was confused by the fact that he was not being tipped. The traveler asked the waiter if he was a bad customer before the waiter explained that the employee is tipped not the customer. This lead to a shouting match between the traveler (who had accosted the waiter). The court date is set for December 31st. In short tip your waiter.