“things i wish i could say to you”

by Elissar Mustapha

i’ve got a whole folder of words dedicated to you.

but i suppose none will ever be as sharp as the words you used 

in the short time we knew each other. 

none of mine will ever be like

shrapnel to your heart, 

because that’s what it feels like. 

i want you to know, 

that’s what you feel like.

you’ve left me with nothing but the violent remains of something

that was once so, so pretty.

i used to think it was beautiful.

but beauty is everlasting, 

and this did not last.

you were just pretty to touch. pretty to dream of.

maybe, i was just looking a little too hard for something to dream of.

and maybe i just looked 

a little too far from where i was supposed to look,

looking in forbidden places, the place where i found you. 

but maybe won’t solve this now.

maybe won’t operate on me now. 

remove the shrapnel now. fix me. 

maybe is a dream now. 

maybe, one day, i’ll time travel. 

maybe, one day,

i’ll never have met you.